The Open Ticket

Wish You Were Here

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 00:00:00 EST

Oh my it's hot just like they say and an'da has the squirts from the water. Still, the taurens are very nice and the ones at the hotel are very clean. Saw a pack of zhevra go right through town with a baby in the middle. Going to ride the lifts today and maybe try Wailing Caverns. Elune Adore!

Drinking so much I feel like there's junglevine pushing against the back of my eyeballs. Noob I like have seen many many phat green asses it's the great state of 10k needles!

Arrived here O.K. two hours late because turtle kept trying to eat penguins. Looking for a mage port out tomorrow. Bright & cool today. Wool gloves feel good but I wouldn't be back in Org. Sea kayak and fishing in the morning, maybe a daily if I can fit it. Wish you were here.

Aunt Moira,
Just a line to let you know we did not sink like two sacks of copper ore. Saw a fish as big as a ram. Magni ate a raw oyster and said he liked it! Love from us both,
Grauni and Magni

Written at top of card: The trolls are half naked!

Get lost? More like "get ganked in STV", lol. It's hot as MC here. I met a goblin, she's reeeeeal nice. Going to see gorillas tomorrow with the tour. I'll take screen caps. I was totally standing right next to a crocolisk and it almost ate me! See you back at Homeregan, lol unless you burned it down or something! Yeah right.

Going-Out Guide: Great Eats

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 00:00:00 EST

Moonglade Garden

Nighthaven, Kalimdor
This family favorite serves adequate incarnations of northern Kalimdorian staples, like crab claws and fish cakes made from the fresh catches of Lake Elune'ara. There's a small bar for waiting patrons that fills out quickly on weekends. The never-ending biscuit basket is conjured fresh every morning and worth the reagent cost.

The Searing Gorge Grille

Firewatch Ridge, Eastern Kingdoms
Much of the food at this casually delicious chophouse leads us into temptation—especially the pan-seared boar meat on dragonbreath chili. The rainbow fin albacore braised in thistle tea is a rogue and cat favorite. The dining rooms is resplendent in old-world finery, such as plush core-leather seats and thorium-plated silverware. The mood is timeless or passe, depending on your own mood.

Bistro Karazhan

Deadwind Pass, Eastern Kingdoms
Patrons of the original Opera House will not miss executive chef Moroes's allusions to old glories, such as the gloved service of the skeleton staff and the theatrically inspired dishes. The Big Bad Wolf Chop is a low-brow staple deconstructed into strips of lean wolf on bright red streaks of berry reduction that encircle the plate. It's the perfect special-occasion destination for your inner ghostly philanthropist.

Rattlegore's

Western Plaguelands, Eastern Kingdoms
We're not sure what to make of this local hotspot, which started out less as a restaurant and more as a pile of meat-flecked bones in the corner of a crypt in Scholomance. Still, the all-day happy hours and Foursquire coupons for "cheap grub" (yes, it's grubs) keep them coming from as far away as Northrend.

Which Price is Best For Me?

Cost reflects our surveyors' estimate of the price of dinner with one drink and tip.

  Rob the Guild Bank
  DE Your Loot
  Weekly Turn-In
  Alt-Friendly

Odds and Ends

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 00:00:00 EST

OUR EXPOSE PIECE on the Vanity Pet Mill problem drew many responses from readers, including this one from Risukage: "I always see this "Timmy" boy wandering around Stormwind and talking about giving his kitty a good home ... he's got to be up to no good." We forwarded the lead to the Stormwind guards and our friends at WarcraftPets, and an investigation is underway.

IN OUR VIDEO COVERAGE of the new Cataclysm playable NPC class, we showed the barber engaging in bare-knuckle combat against a siege tank. More recent theorycraft suggests that the barber's top DPS spec is dual wielding thinning shears.

AN UNIDENTIFIED PATRON visiting our special exhibit of Old World Wartime Propaganda was shocked to find a second poster hidden behind one on display. Curators have since fully uncovered the hidden poster, which depicts Teron Gorefiend's haunting and shadowy image reminding raiders not to let their guards down. Raiders of the time often misunderstood the poster's message reading "he" as referring to the raid leader.

ALL SIGNS SHOW that the ICC slime leak has been contained, although resident vendors still report an overall decline in raiders. The ICC health office recommends sniff testing raid consumables to detect slime contamination. A clean fish feast should smell like the inside of your bags, and not like fish.

YUEYING of [Pie Vendor] wrote to complain that our coverage of their pie copter giveaway overwhelmed their admissions office. There are no more pie copters left, so quit asking.

SENIOR TINKERER Hagin Greatgear of the Gnomish Engineering Council, at a public address in the Great Hall of Ironforge, stated that the free rubberized helmet giveaway the Council announced last month are back-ordered by up to five months. The delay as stated by Greatgear is due to a raw-materials shipment not reaching the manufacturing plant in Blade's Edge. Would-be-questers are encouraged to locate his lost shipment and report back Greatgear with the details (pre-requisite level 64). Hagin added, "Since the helmets are already free, I would hope that experience and gratitude is reward enough."

OUR SNEAK PREVIEW of the summer blockbuster "Hybernation" drew letters from readers who claim that a very similar movie is already out in theaters. We have not been able to confirm the claim. Any resemblence between this movie to another, real or imagined, is purely coincidental.

WE BLEW IT. In our coverage of upset paladins, we mistakenly reported that: "Little is known about retribution paladins, an outdated underclass of melee fighters believed to have evolved from death knights." The line should have read, "Little is known about retribution paladins, an outdated underclass of melee fighters believed to have evolved from target dummies on GM Island." Even we get one wrong sometimes.

Border Patrol

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 19:09:38 EST

The Barrens is under attack!
Cowman, Level 18 Tauren Warrior: Cowman has arrived! For the horde!
Guard Taruc, Level 60 Orc NPC: [in a tower, reading a newspaper]
Cowman: Where are they?! I am full of rage!
Guard Taruc: Hm? What's wrong?
Cowman: I am heeding the call to battle! Alliance dogs have crossed into our zone to do lord-knows-what ... breed more gnomes!
Guard Taruc: Just ignore them. They'll leave soon enough.
The Barrens is under attack!
Cowman: How can you ignore it! The Barrens is under attack! The Crossroads may be threatened!
Guard Taruc: You know you can leave that channel, right?
Cowman: And surrender our home territory to godless heathens? By my sword, never!
Guard Thork, Level 62 Orc NPC: [arriving on foot] Hey, Taruc. I caught some fish.
Guard Taruc: Sweet. Come on up.
Cowman: Good thinking, noble guard. These consumables shall increase our abilities for the coming battle.
Guard Thork: [climbing up the tower] Who's the RP nerd?
Guard Taruc: Some noob. Won't leave Local Defense. Wants fight ally.
The Barrens is under attack!
Cowman: You there in the tower ... do you see the enemy approaching?
Guard Taruc: If you make him leave, I'll give you 30 copper.
Guard Thork: Deal. [leaning over the side] Oh, brave warrior! The enemy is nowhere in sight. Surely your gallantry has forestalled their advance. Three cheers for [squinting] Cowmun the triumphant! Prithee, make haste to the nearest town and spread word of your victory!
Guard Taruc: [also leaning over] And tell them we helped! And that they should send back wine!
Cowman: Is it true? Huzzah, noble guards, this is a most glorious day to be a horde. We were few in number, but great was our fortitude. We repelled enemy forces that ...
Guard Thork: ... that we could not even count?
Cowman: Indeed! And protected our land without ...
Guard Thork: ... losing a single fight?
Cowman: Right again! Well, that's enough, then. I don't know if our paths will ever cross again, Taruc and Thork. But if they do, know that I'll not forget this fateful ...
The Barrens is under attack!
Guard Taruc & Guard Thork: [groans]
Cowman: Oh no! The enemy returns, surely in greater numbers!
Guard Taruc: Shouldn't it be Barrens "are" under attack?
Guard Thork: [shrugs]
Cowman: Put out the call, guards! We must meet them with an equal force. I will put a call out to my guild.
Guard Taruc: Hey, Cowmun. You should run down to the lift and protect it. You know, because it's important, strategically.
Cowman: Yes, we should all go to the lifts! As soon as my brave guild mates answer my battle call!
Guard Taruc: Maybe they're busy, oh I don't know, QUESTING?
Guard Thork: Kek. Maybe they're attacking the Barrens.
Guard Taruc: Nice.
Cowman: Strange. I can't seem to access guild chat any more.
Guard Taruc: [smiling] Is it alliance treachery?
Guard Thork: OMG LOL they kicked him. Look, his guild tag is gone.
Guard Taruc: Wow, his tabard just blanked. Oh, that's too good.
Cowman: [clutching his tabard] How can this be? All I wanted was to defend our home land from invasion. But where are my brothers? Where the mighty kodo steeds? Where the horn of battle? [weeping]
Guard Taruc: Awkward
Guard Thork: So this is what it sound like when noobs cry.
Guard Taruc: Eww. Do something.
Guard Thork: You do it.
Guard Taruc: I'll give you my paddle ball set if you make it stop.
Guard Thork: I got it. Play along. Warrior Cowmun! Despair is a friend of the enemy. You must not waver in your duty to the Barrens!
Cowman: I mustn't?
Guard Thork: No, brave Cowmun. For every horde warrior who puts down his sword, um ...
Guard Taruc: ... a dirty alliance dog laughs at our king
Cowman: Outrage!
Guard Thork: Yes, laughs out loud at our king, in their squeaky laughing voice!
Cowman: It cannot be countenanced!
Guard Taruc: Indeed, it cannot! So take up your sword again!
Guard Thork: And lace up your [peering] leather spirit boots!
Guard Taruc: For by the power vested in me ... in us, by the supreme general of ... Orgrimmar, we pronounce you high guardian of the Barrens!
Guard Thork: Lok'tar!
Cowman: [giddy] Oh oh oh!
Guard Taruc: Come up to this tower, quick, and take your post. Thork and I will run to the inn, to replenish our supplies.
Guard Thork: So brilliant.
Cowman: [taking his post] Hurry back, friends. For although the desert is as vast and calm as the ocean, we must never let down our guard. Hiding behind every bush and stealthed among the zhevra lurks alliance dogs. And you'll never know when suddenly, as you least expect it ...
The Barrens is under attack!

Cataclysm Preview: Anarassa

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 19:02:11 EST

PART 3 OF A SERIES

In World of Warcraft: Cataclysm, players will be thrilled and amazed by the enhancements to the Anarassa encounter. Although the changes listed here are subject to further optimization, we feel confident that 8 out of 9 players will find the new Anarassa to be a positive and and rewarding experience.

New Anarassa Abilities

Power Diffusion (level 81): Diffuse the recently Infused target, decreasing spell casting speed by 20% and increasing the mana cost of all spells by 20% because they pissed her off. Lasts 15 seconds.

Army of Pets (level 83): Summons a legion of cuddly creatures to lick and purr at nearby targets, increasing party spirit but inflicting allergy-based damage. 10-minute cooldown, decreased with talents.

Summon Greater Dumbass (level 85): Calls forth a tall, lanky, mulletted, moustached humanoid that runs on a treadmill next to Anarassa, asking her when she's going to be done with her raid. Walking cooldown.

The following are Anarassa's new mastery abilities, which augment specializations appropriate to this character class.

Mastery Passive Talent Tree Bonuses

Grrrr: Guild-wide emote conveying the poor quality of Anarassa's mood. Effects are double in officer chat.

Min-Mex: Mexican-flavored consumables such as Fish Fiesta and Strudel con Queso decrease casting speed un poquito.

Critter Critter: Killing a passive creature within 20 yards of Anarassa increases her critical strike percentage by 1%, stacking up to 200 times. No cooldown.

Hybernation

Mon, 02 Aug 2010 19:53:03 EST

In "Hybernation," a 5-man stealth-run that spans Warcraft and delves into the dark and vast realm of dreams, adventurers play the part of druids and rogues, stealing valuable secrets and loot from deep within the subconscious of the dreaming dragon aspect, Ysera. Your party members may have mastered the skills of healing, tanking, and damage dealing—but they've never known the deeper, infinite dangers of the mind. Instead of defeating a boss and collecting loot, your group must now do the reverse; your task is to save Ysera from the Emerald Nightmare and plant the idea that she must break up the Barrens into separate zones. Will you succeed? Or will some noob's DoT break CC?

This fall or early winter, depending on whom you ask, your mind is the dungeon. Blizzard Entertainment presents, in association with The Open Ticket, "Hybernation."

I Still Want One

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 19:51:15 EST

GADGETZAN – At a hastily assembled press conference today, Senior Tinkerer Hagin Greatgear of the Gnomish Engineering Council attempted to quiet the outrage over Gnomish engineering's persistent bugs and device failures. A clearly annoyed Greatgear took the stage at the Council's headquarters in Gadgetzan to announce that all Gnomish engineers would be receiving a free rubberized helmet to solve calamitous operational failures by devices like the [Gnomish Shrink Ray] and the [Ultrasafe Transporter: Gadgetzan].

"We love our users," says Senior Tinkerer Hagin Greatgear, speaking for the Council. "We try very hard to surprise and delight them. Sure, sometimes a device doesn't exactly work the way you want, especially if you're not holding it properly. Gadgets aren't perfect. It's a challenge for the whole engineering industry."

In the days leading up to the announcement, observers had predicted that, short of massive pattern recalls, the Council would need to address the device failure in some way. According to observers, giving away the rubberized helmets—the pattern for which had been available for sale at trainers for 20g—was considered the cheapest fix the Council could implement.

With its sleeker design and touch-friendly interface, Gnomish devices hold a larger share of the market than Goblin counterparts. But in recent quarters, adoption of Goblin technology has shown strong growth, owing to the platform's open stance toward crafters.

Lethal 2H Weapon

Mon, 19 Jul 2010 18:07:42 EST

A swearing, snarling, and panting Lord Jaraxxus completely loses it in this exclusive audio obtained by TOT from an anonymous source who recorded the conversation over Ventrilo. In the recording, Jaraxxus berates the Mistress of Pain for a long list of grievances, including inadequate DPS, poor target selection, and provocative armor modeling. "You look ridiculous with your six arms," Jaraxxus says. "You look like one of Anub's ******* spiders in heat!"

With near-zero interest in TOC from raiders and no plans for a revamp of his loot table, Jaraxxus blames the Mistress of Pain for content obsolescence.

Lord Jaraxxus was once considered a moderate- to difficult-level encounter, especially for undergeared raid groups that could not heal through his Legion Flame ability. His ilevel 232 loot table, which include [Felspark Bindings] and [Girdle of the Nether Champion] was highly sought after by guilds at the time.

Don't Thread On Me

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 17:49:32 EST

AZEROTH – Ninjas, griefers, gold farmers, level-one trolls, and other low-lifes are breathing a sigh of relief at the news that their real identities will remain private, for the time being. Last week, lawmakers killed proposed legislation—the newest piece of the comprehensive "Real ID" initiative—that would have required all citizens of Azeroth to reveal such private information as their non-alias names, correctly spelled with standard characters and accurately traceable to their owners. The proposal met immediate outrage from a vocal majority of players and NPCs, who depend on such anonymity to conduct a wide range of underhanded affairs.

"Oh wow, that would have sucked," says one level 20 Defias Thug. "Piracy, thuggery, brigandry, and just plain-old standing around in loose circles with your masked friends just doesn't work when people know your real name and such. Bad enough my gang gets camped every day by lowbie questers. I don't want those guys coming by my house after work, digging through my mail for stray masks."

"So true," says another, identical-looking level 20 Defias Thug, whose name was leaked during an early trial of the Real ID system. "When I'm not aimlessly roaming the hills at work, I expect to be able to hang up my mask, relax in my shed, and snuggle my wife and rabbit—both of whom should also remain anonymous."

The most noteworthy privacy violation to have come from the Real ID trials involved the low-life community's Gnoogle stalking of a prominent proponent of the law, resulting in the publication of the official's street address, home phone number, marital status, bank alts, talent specs, loot table, food allergies, and other personal (albeit trivial) details. No doubt the embarrasing leak contributed to the proposal's demise.

"Don't mess with a douchebag, son," says Thug. "You'll get the ... nozzle."

Bad Romance

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 14:34:15 EST

Sponsored by the Arcanist Library Association of Azeroth, the Medivh-Doan Fiction Contest recognizes the truly worst romance writing of all the realms. Finalists win tickets to a dinner and show at the Karazhan opera house, and publication in the Association's magazine, Scroll and Tome. Here are this year's winners and runners-up.

Winner: Noob Lurv
Oh, if only he had remembered to update DBM, and toggle combat text for physical damage, and macroed for a self-cast bubble, and stacked resistance gear, and bothered to read the strat, and if they hadn't disallowed AVR, he could have avoided the one-shot end of her lovely lovely smile.
— Fanturchakra, Human Paladin, Shadowsong (US)

Winner: Romance with Birds
She walked into the tavern on legs as long as those long-legged birds that you see in the Northern Barrens — the regular ones, not the rare spawn ones — except that she was standing on both of them, not just one, which is how I knew right away that she was trouble, unlike those birds usually are, unless, like I said, they're elite.
— Kalidar, Night Elf Warrior, Galakrond (US)

Winner: Gnomish Romance
He slowly ran his stubby fingers through her long black hair, at which point he noticed the ammonia-heavy smell of the barber and her carrot-colored roots and it reminded him of the time he'd covered his Mechanostrider's brake lights with electrical tape to avoid being ganked in contested zones, but the faint orange glow still shone around the edges.
— Gnomeo, Gnome Rogue, Dunemaul (US)

Winner: Under the Hood
As the crocolisk's jaws clamped down on Aggrovader's body he noted five huge teeth badly in need of a clean, preferably with one of those crafted Gnomish sonic toothbrushes, and he reflected that his name would be not be immortalized for all the Elven women he'd seduced while wearing his Judgement Hood, but by his unusual death, since crocolisk killings are not a daily occurrence, at least not while mounted and flying over Northrend.
— Mahlee, Blood Elf Mage, Earthen Ring (US)

Runner-up: /Support, Child
There was a pregnant pause — as pregnant as Cynne had just told Malvagio she was (about eleven and a half weeks along), which was why there was a pause in the first place, and that the baby was Kikirt's which came with a pause of its own.
— Morghan, Human Warlock, Shadowsong (US)

Runner-up: Fast Love is Fast
She loved him like no other, their romance developing quickly, like the repeated dings of an alt which speeds from levels 1 to 10 until becoming bored and wandering with disorganized bags from bank to mailbox to auction house, or like the rapid growth of Gruul by a hopeless raid continuously confronted with his enrage timer, and suddenly Seksimage sensed the imminent doom of her romance lying in wait.
— Seksimage, Undead Mage, Shattered Hand (US)

Honorable Mention: TMI
Sinking deeper into his chair, the heat of the gently crackling fireplace relaxing his brow like a fond memory, the grizzled Dwarf closed his eyes and replied, "Ah, the unending depths of Molten Core ... the deadly halls of Tempest Keep ... the harrowing chambers of Ulduar ... the coarse twill of her undergarments ... Your grandmother wouldn't invite me to any of them without a gear check."
— Dgel, Dwarf Hunter, Zangarmarsh (EU)

Honorable Mention: Shout For Love
It was a dark and laggy night; the ping fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when all the mobs sped up and carried out four or five attacks at once rendering him helpless to save his true love, and healer, for when he burned Challenging Shout the sporadically blinking enemies were no longer within range — her glare told him that her annoyance would surely outlast his 3 minute cooldown.
— Herowtankk, Human Warrior, Azgalore (US)

Editorial: Burn Down the Remote Auction House

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 19:58:34 EST

AZEROTH – This week, the remote auction house arrived in Azeroth, bringing players the ability to check prices and place bids from anywhere, at any time. But if the longer lines at shops and persistent Away messages are a sign, perhaps what's really being traded away is far more valuable than a few gold's profit. ORLY, you say?

Overheard at Trias' Cheese, the locally famous artisan fromagerie in Stormwind, one customer complained audibly that the checkout line was moving too slowly. "The cashier is busy checking her auctions. The customers are busy checking their auctions. Is anyone gonna sell me some cheese or what?" Now that's vendor lag at its worst.

Delays at checkout are a mere inconvenience. But what if the remote auction house is causing actual harm? There have already been at least two reported incidents of mid-air mount collisions in which riders admitted to using the auction house tool at the time of the accident. But I suppose two accidents are not yet enough.

Even raid bosses hate the remote auction house, for slowing down post-wipe recovery times. "Look at that hunter," says Sindragosa. "She's hasn't even released yet because she's too busy bidding on frost lotus." Raid-kickable offense, I say.

I predict that, as a direct consequence of players using the remote auction house, out-of-work level-one mules will turn to a life a crime—or worse, PVP. "I've had this starter knife in my bag for as long as I can remember," says Muleman, a level-one rogue I saw sitting the steps of the actual auction house in Ironforge. "Shall I join a BG queue? I shall wear resilience gear and turtle on the beach. I do not think they will corpse camp me ... "

Where once the lively din of commerce, there's only now pinched faces and thumbs tapping into the tiny corners of tiny screens. And would it have been worth it, after all?

Mounting Expectations

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 19:55:57 EST

AZEROTH – Content-starved progression guilds seeing their raiding attendance dwindle during the post-Lich King lull have found a new incentive to inflate their sign-up numbers: gimmicky mount giveaways. No doubt inspired by the X-53 Touring Rocket promotion designed to attract new adventurers to Azeroth, guild officials are crafting and distributing their own exotic mounts for high-participation members.

"Our raiding numbers have dropped by half in the last three months," says Yueying of Pie Vendor (Alliance, Shadowsong-US). "A lot of our raiders are on summer vacation or just plain tired of farming. Some are completely obsessed with something called 'star craft.' I dunno, I think it's a new profession?" In response last week, Pie Vendor raid leaders announced that any member—including new recruits—able to sustain a perfect attendance record through July will receive a custom guild-crafted vehicle, called the piecopter. Comprising reclaimed fight components from Ulduar to ICC, the piecopter seats two passengers somewhat comfortably. Exterior features include tin details, fruit-scented interior, and a flaky crust crumple zone.

Representatives of other guilds across realms contacted by TOT have indicated that they are considering similar promotions to attract new members and retain current raiders. "Even with a pool of over 6,000 members to choose from, retention is crucial to sustaining a stable raiding base," says Maui, GM of Alea Iacta Est (Horde, Earthen Ring-US). "We started giving away mounts last month, to keep momentum for Ruby Sanctum." Dubbed the Quickfire Quester, AIE's mount appears to include parts from the ICC gunship rocket pack, blazing hippogryph droppings, and expired brewfest rams.

Smaller guilds with fewer resources are finding it difficult to keep up with the mount race. "Those Wal-Mart guilds will do anything to get you in the door," says one GM, who did not wish to be named. "How are we supposed to compete with that?" When asked if he is planning any giveaway mounts, the GM answered bitterly, "Everyone that comes to our heroic Marrowgar attempt this week gets a piggy-back ride from me." No word yet on the response from the rest of the guild.

Death Knights Keep Blowing

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 05:46:17 EST

ICECROWN -- Horn of Winter (HoW) will continue to be allowed at Trial of the Crusader (TOC) events, despite complaints from some raiders, bosses, NPCs, and fans, TOC’s organizing committee said Tuesday. A spokesperson for the Lich King told TOT that the use of the horns was "something we're evaluating on an on-going basis" but that banning HoW was an option "if there are grounds to do so."

Some raiders have been complaining that the horns make it difficult for them to hear fight instructions, leading them to make mistakes. "I couldn't hear DBM tell me that I had legion flame," says one raider, who wished not to be named. "So I died, which made the DKs blow the horns even louder."

Trash mobs have submitted complaints as well. During one Lord Jaraxxus fight, a summoned Mistress of Pain refused to emerge from the portal. "I'm already being treated for an inner-ear condition that I got from doing so many spinning pain spikes," she says. "And our health plan barely covers that. I don't need any more medical bills."

Banning HoW, though, would undoubtedly unleash a fierce response from DKs, who consider the ability a core part of their rotations and obnoxious nature. Eemortal (80 DK, Shadowsong-US), speaking on behalf of the class, expressed support of the horns, saying that other classes must simply adjust to raucous DK culture. "The Horn of Winter represents our embattled past and present struggles against the forces of the Lich King. It is also a mild raid-wide buff for melee classes that reminds us of the DPS that we used to do."

Top Kill Maneuver Fails to Stop Spill

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 04:24:39 EST

ICECROWN CITADEL – Speaking through an interpreter, a mutated slimeling representing Putricide's Laboratory of Alchemical Horrors and Fun (PLAHF) reported that the "top kill" procedure initiated Tuesday morning by plaugeworks engineers was not able to stop the flow of volatile ooze and gas clouds leaking from burst PLAHF pipes. The procedure involved injecting heaving drilling fluid, called "mud," into the pipes at a pressure high enough to push the ooze and gas back down to its source. This was the second failed attempt to stop the flow in two weeks. Last week's "junk shot" maneuver in which engineers pushed trash greens, emblems of triumph, and elemental shaman gear into the pipes was also insufficient to slow the leak.

The uncontrolled slime flow threatens the livelihood of the residents of ICC, a still-popular destination for guilds and pug raiders. NPCs report that repair and reagent sales have declined significantly in previous weeks, a month ahead of predictably seasonal lows. In response, local businesses are offering special fares for gunship rides, bonus vampire bites, special-edition pingu, a slime-covered noncombat pet, and a preapproved 20% credit to raiding stats. But the bonuses seem meager incentive for adventurers put-off by images of green snow and slimy herb nodes.

Within the walls of ICC, raid bosses outside the plagueworks have been quick to put distance between themselves and the accident. "I never liked the look of those pipes," says Blood-Queen Lana'thel. "Or those dogs. Filthy things. Never know when they'll just turn and bite you."

Few options remain for containment of the slime. At the current rate of flow, PLAHF engineers estimate that within a few days, the number of spilled gallons of volatize ooze and gas will surpass the amount unleashed by the Naxxramas disaster of 2008.

Cataclysm Preview: Ursinor

Mon, 31 May 2010 20:05:26 EST

PART 2 OF A SERIES

In World of Warcraft: Cataclysm, players can expect many enhancements to the Ursinor way of play. While the abilities on this list are still under development, we feel strongly that the new Ursinor talents and spells will not be a disappointment to his fans, should any exist.

New Ursinor Abilities

The Ursignore (level 81): Places the target on a twenty-page blacklist that dates back to 2004. No global cooldown.

Backfill (level 83): Allows Ursinor to shapeshift into any level 80 class or role missing from the raid. Ten-minute cooldown.

Rickroll (level 85): All rolls on loot are tentative and occurs at half the speed of other raiders. Winning rolls are immediately withdrawn. No cooldown.

Next you will find a list of some of Ursinor's ability changes. There will be further changes, but those revealed below should offer some insight into what we can expect.

Mastery Passive Talent Tree Bonuses

Severe Irritation: A flat buff to all of Ursinor's irritation-based abilities, such as groaning, audible sighing, sniping, pleading for a quick end, sarcastic questioning, and heaving chest.

Fuck!: Similar to a DBM-type raid warning, announces the death of a raid member with an audible expletive. One-second duration.

Improved Fuck!: Increases duration by 1 second.

We hope Ursinor has enjoyed this preview, and we're looking forward to hearing his monosyllabic note of non-disapproval.

Wee Party Candidate Energizes Base

Mon, 24 May 2010 18:41:16 EST

GNOMEREGAN – Last week's victory of Erbag Mecharand in the Stonetalon gnomish primaries proved the rising influence of the Wee Party protest movement and the urgency of a libertarian, anti-establishment feeling among rural gnomes. But just as Wee Partiers were activating their celebration macros, a new controversy over the candidate's criticism of Mekgineer Sicco Thermaplugg's decision to irradiate Gnomeregan has put them back on the defensive. Mecharand is drawing fire from moderate gnomes for saying last week in a series of interviews that Thermaplugg's "reckless exposure" of the gnomish race to radioactive materials had been exactly the kind of "one-size fits all miscalculation that big government has been outputting since the Third War."

"I have a message from the Wee Party," says Mecharand, echoing last week's acceptance speech. "The message is printing now from the devices located at the back of the room. But in a symbolic sense, the message has already been distributed in the form of our victory. And the message is that we are coming to take Gnomeregan back. From the troggs and the leper gnomes, from the trash and the level-80 elitists. If you have not yet received this message, please insert your red punchcard into the Matrix Punchograph 3005-D located on the upper level. In exchange, you will receive a prismatic punchcard. But again, in a symbolic sense, the cards have already been punched—at the polling stations."

Mecharand's awkwardly constructed mechanical metaphors are a signature of the Wee Party, which often attempts to invoke images and icons from the pre-exodus period in gnomish history.

Critics of the Wee Party are quick to point out that only government was large enough to irradiate invading troggs and bail out Gnomeregan from even more disastrous ends. "Thermaplugg's decision wasn't an easy one to make," says K. Lee Smallfry, Master Engineering trainer and columnist for The Gnomerico. "But a government bailout of Gnomeregan was the only option at the time to restore calm and trust in the system."

Observers argue that making the exodus of Gnomeregan—considered the third rail in gnomish politics—a central issue in this year's election is a risky gamble for Wee Party candidates. But winning that bet could earn it more influence then any in the party can presently imagine.

Wife Aggro Swap

Mon, 17 May 2010 20:15:12 EST

Mrs. Ymirjir Warlord: I feel like going out.
Ymirjir Warlord: Um, it's Tuesday. Tuesdays are raid nights.
Mrs. Y: What? Since when?
Ymirjir: Since forever. Come on, you know this.
Mrs. Y: So we're not going out?
Ymirjir: You can go out. Why don't you go out with that girl from down the hall? What's her name?
Mrs. Y: Please, you know her name.
Ymirjir: What's that supposed to mean?
Mrs. Y: She's trash.
Ymirjir: We're all trash.
Mrs. Y: Whatever. I'm coming with you.
Ymirjir: What?
Mrs. Y: I'm coming with you on your raiding.
Ymirjir: You don't raid.
Mrs. Y: Sure I do. I have a staff around here somewhere. I can heal.
Ymirjir: No way, you don't know the fights.
Mrs. Y: So, just teach me real quick. Stand really tight in packs, right? And walk in circles?
Ymirjir: Ugh, it's not that easy. You have to watch the Raidkillers video and read the strats. There's no way Sindragosa is going to give you an invite.
Mrs. Y: Just say you're not going unless I get to go, too.
Ymirjir: Oh come on, that's not fair to the group. You have to keep up attendance to get invited. And you have to go on trial runs, and stuff.
Mrs. Y: Oh, it's just a dumb instance. You all take it so seriously.
Ymirjir: I have to keep up my standing in the group.
Mrs. Y: You should worry about keeping up your standing with your wife.
Ymirjir: Oh crap, the raid's forming up.
Meeperick, Level 80, Male Human Warrior: (porting in) ... earn enough DKP to spend on the item, and besides, it's not a main spec for you.
Vannabell, Level 80, Female Human Priest: (porting in) I just don't get why I can't get DKP for raids I don't actually attend. You should get something for just signing up.
Meeperick: That's crazy. There would be DKP inflation.
Vannabell: You're making that up.
Meeperick: I'm not making it up.
Vannabell: Ridiculous.
Meeperick: That's just the way it works.
Vannabell: I think you should stand up for me more. Say you're gonna give some of your DKP to me. Say you're going to quit the guild.
Meeperick: And go back to pugging? No way. I want to kill Lich King while it counts.
Ymirjir: Too late.
Mrs. Y: Way late. Hello? 15% nerf?
Vannabell: Yay, is it 15% finally? Maybe our guild leader won't be such a meter nazi.
Ymirjir: (aggro!) We will destroy you, nonetheless!
Meeperick: (charging) Time to take out the trash!
Mrs. Y: Oh my god, I love your staff. Did you craft it?
Vannabell: Oh, thanks! I totally bought it with tokens!
Mrs. Y: Ugh, I would love to run some new content. I've never been outside ICC, you know.
Vannabell: Oh, you should totally go run some heroics. It's way easy to gear up these days.
Ymirjir: (panting) Can you feel ... the cold hand of death ... upon your heart?
Meeperick: (panting) Kind of ... Not getting heals ...
Mrs. Y: Really? Is there a gearscore check?
Vannabell: Pft, no. Just queue random. Want to go now?
Mrs. Y: Aren't you in this raid?
Vannabell: Eh, it's fine. My guild hates me anyway.
Mrs. Y: Ugh, girl. It's their loss.
Vannabell: Says you're in group.
Mrs. Y: Lol! Okay, retry.
Vannabell: Success yay! Let's go! (porting out)
Mrs. Y: So exciting! (porting out)
Ymirjir: ...
Meeperick: ...
Ymirjir: Reset?
Meeperick: Reset.
Ymirjir: So, um. You raid with your wife?
Meeperick: Sort of.
Ymirjir: That's coo. That's coo. Spending time together and shit.
Meeperick: Yeah, it's a disaster.
Ymirjir: UGH, THE COMPLAINING!
Meeperick: THE BARGAINING!
Ymirjir: She acts like she doesn't know when raid nights are. We live in freaking ICC!
Meeperick: If she loses a roll, she threatens to quit the guild!
Ymirjir: She's jealous of everyone! I didn't assign these patrol groups!
Meeperick: She hates everyone! It's the freaking internet!
Ymirjir: I can't wait for Cataclysm.
Meeperick: I can't wait for Starcraft.
Ymirjir: I don't know what that is.
Meeperick: Let me put it this way. You and the wife are going to have a lot of free time on your hands. A lot.
Ymirjir: I think I'll go despawn myself.

Roll Play

Mon, 10 May 2010 19:16:54 EST

Part Four of TOT's Cataclysm preview.

Misunderstanding about a party member's degree of need for a piece of dropped gear is a thing of the past in Cataclysm, thanks to the revamped looting interface. While the current interface gives players basic options such as "need," "greed," "disenchant," or "pass," the new looting window will capture more nuanced claims:

Set-and-Forget Options
These default settings can be toggled on (+) and off (-).

Always Roll Need In PUGs — Automatically rolls need on all dropped gear, regardless of actual need.
Always Emote /Sigh — Rolling triggers long tale about how many times the player has lost previous rolls on said gear.
Stalled Progression/Fail DPS Forum Rant — Option available to Guild Masters that will automatically post a forum rant with regards to stalled Raid Progression. Triggers when BiS gear is awarded to raiders who output less than optimal DPS while standing in blue/green/orange fire. May result in entire guild attacking a Heroic Training Dummy naked for no logical reason.

On-Drop Options
These choices are available at time of looting.

BOE Need But Will Totally AH — Option triggers a customized rant about needing the gear for an alt.
Need And If I Lose, GQUIT — Special option for drama queen raiders.
Stall While I Check RAWR — Extends the timer bar until the gear optimizer calculates the upgrade.
Pass and Brag About Generosity — Declines the gear, but takes the opportunity to browbeat rollers.
Ninja — Why beat around the bush?

The new looting mechanism is already a hit with players. "Pitching a fit about gear has always been kind of a hassle," says Ninjaboots, a level 80 Troll hunter on Ysondre who boasts being on over 200 ignore lists. "I never realized it, but expressing contempt for random PUGs is easy to misinterpret. Sometimes you just flat out ninja something, and they're not sure if you're just a noob or you misclicked. Now when I want to say 'fuck you' to the tards in my group, there's no ambiguity!"

Cataclysm Preview: Mcdee

Wed, 05 May 2010 18:01:17 EST

PART 1 OF A SERIES

In World of Warcraft: Cataclysm, players can expect many core changes and abilities to the Mcdee experience. While this list only outlines some of our plans for Mcdee, we want to give you a look at the new high-level abilities and an overview of how the new McMastery system will work with each talent spec.

New Mcdee Abilities

The McDeeCee (level 81): Causes Mcdee to disconnect instantly with the server, resulting in a temporary increase in overall raid DPS. The increase expires when Mcdee reconnects. 5-minute cooldown.

Inaudible Shout (level 83): A passive ability that prevents Mcdee from speaking into Vent. The ability causes party members to move their eyeballs toward the chat window in order to decipher the meaning of Mcdee's observable actions. The ability is similar to Kikirt's Overgrown Beard Mouth spell. No cooldown. 4-hour duration.

Sucka Mcdee (level 85): The Sucka Mcdee is what rules hip-hop today. Today we have Southern idiots, Crunk retards, G-Unit Bling morons, that have weak ridiculous lyrics, wack punch lines, and at the same time call themselves Mcdees. 20-second flowdown.

Next you will find a list of some of Mcdee's ability changes. There will be further changes, but those revealed below should offer some insight into what we can expect from Mcdee.

McMastery Passive Talent Tree Bonuses

Built-In Aggro Check: Pulling aggro and dying triggers a noncombat mini-Anarassa that stands over your corpse to scold you.

The Untanking: Rewards Mcdee's irrational hatred of tanking by increasing the drop rate of shields by 50%.

We hope Mcdee has enjoyed this preview, and we're looking forward to reading about his thoughts and feedback in the chat window. Please keep in mind that this information represents a work in progress and assumes that Mcdee won't just fuck it all to hell and roll a gnome mage in Cataclysm.

This Is Cataclysm's Legendary Weapon

Mon, 03 May 2010 19:18:00 EST

Part Three of TOT's Cataclysm Preview.

You are looking at a prototype for the Thunderfury 4G, Cataclysm's legendary-level weapon. It was found lost at the bar, One More Glass, in Dalaran. TOT obtained it from the anonymous raider that recovered the item. After thorough examination of the weapon, including disassembly and inspection of its magical properties, TOT has no doubt that this is an authentic prototype. (Roll over image to enlarge.)

What's New
While the stats and gem slot colors may still be changed, it's clear that the T4G is unlike any weapon of any quality we've seen since Molten Core.

Tons of DPS as well as tanking stats. Markings near the UPC on the back of the weapon read "iLevel 420-440."
Built-in animation and weapon glow effects. Besides the charged-lightning theme, the blade resonates industrial green and blue tones.
Replaceable gems. The single biggest complaint about epic weapons—that old gems are destroyed when replaced--has been addressed.
Headphone jacks on the hilt, for voice-chat support.
Integrated GPS-enabled mini-map with turn-by-turn dungeon navigation.

We suspect that the weapon possesses many proc-based abilities. Unfortunately, the owner of the weapon disabled those features remotely before TOT staff could test them.

How We Know It's Real
The Open Ticket has had its share of experiences with gold sellers and other disreputable merchants. We were as skeptical as anyone would be when an anonymous raider offered to sell us "the next legendary" for 50,000g. But between the overall craftsmanship of the sword and the strength of its enchantments—the source of which could only be a very high-end raid boss—we are entirely certain that this is a true Cataclysm-quality item.

We also know that it has been missing. Auctioneers and vendors report that a disembodied flaming skull going by the name Zarhym has been inquiring about a lost sword, saying that he is very interested in recovering the item. In addition, TOT has word that an unknown raid boss called "DW" has opened a GM ticket to have a "large sword of unusually high quality, difficult to craft and OP for arenas" returned to him.

What It All Means
The weapon itself suggests a return to basics, as well as surprising changes. That the T4G is modeled after the very first legendary weapon to be found in Azeroth suggests that raid bosses are turning to their roots and rediscovering lost artifacts of power. But the T4G is also a vast departure from historic stat budgeting schemes, replacing traditional stats with utility functions and, maybe, noncombat procs that increase raiding convenience.

Also, the existence of the weapon in prototype means that the Cataclysm event is much closer than many have assuming. In fact, based on the T4G, TOT predicts that Cataclysm will occur before the next Hallow's End.

Cataclysm Class Preview: The Barber

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 06:36:21 EST

Part Two of TOT's Cataclysm Preview.

The Open Ticket was able to obtain a sneak preview of the unannounced Cataclysm class, the Barber. With astonishing abilities such as Close Shave and Creepy Massage, this new class is set to take on all the new challenges of the upcoming expansion.

Retribution Paladins Upset About Something

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 20:06:06 EST

Part One of TOT's Cataclysm Preview.

This week, paladins specialized in the Retribution talent tree expressed outrage at the recently proposed changes to their class, which would somehow alter the things they do with their something-or-other. Little is known about retribution paladins, an outdated underclass of melee fighters believed to have evolved from death knights. The class favors the use of maces in combat, although some reports indicate their ability to cast priest-like spells.

Due to their inability to speak or comprehend language, retribution paladins contacted for this story were not able to communicate the exact nature of the class changes. But according to handlers at Light's Hope Chapel and Preserve, Azeroth's largest retribution paladin sanctuary, observable changes in the class's day-to-day behavior suggest heightened anxiety.

"It's impossible to say exactly what's bothering them," says Caretaker Alen, a volunteer at Light's Hope. "Maybe that hammer ability they all enjoy will now achieve a slightly different hammering result, with a chance to produce a secondary hammer-related event. Or maybe they need to equip a shield. Really, no one can say."

Alen points to a medium-sized specimen pacing in a tight circle and barking into his hands, stopping occasionally to fuss with his helm. "That one we call Khor," says Alen. "He's usually very social. Keeps a blog, I think. But lately he hasn't been himself." Alen reaches into his backpack, retrieves a foam sponge hammer, and throws it into the enclosure. A gust of wind pushes the comically large hammer into a nearby bathing pool, where it bobs, harmless and ignored.

"Looks like he's progressed from nerd rage, to nerd depression," Alen whispers. "With luck, he'll move on to nerd acceptance."

Vanity Pet Mills Exposed

Mon, 12 Apr 2010 19:52:42 EST

DALARAN – Gone are the days when you could impress your friends with a Senegalese parrot purchased in Booty Bay. Today's vanity pets are more exotic, easier to find, cost as much as a main-hand weapon—and big business for enterprising black market operators.

"Used to be maybe 25% of my business. Mostly baby bears and other cuddly things," says Hexil Garrot, who runs his business in the Black Market district of Dalaran. "But more and more people started asking me for 'em. And weird stuff, too, like floating brooms, magic skulls, dragonlings. Would you give that to a kid for his birthday?" Garrot maintains that all his pets come from city certified breeders and that he's never failed an inspection. "You want a bizzaro flying bug to impress your guildies with, Garrot's your man. But if you're looking for a little boy in a squire costume to put on a leash ... well, that's a little too shady, even for me."

The rising popularity of vanity pets follows a cultural shift in attitudes about domestic animals. Today's owners don't think of their pets as companions, but as status symbols. Collection and display of vanity pets has become more important than living with them, and often, pets that fall out of fashion are simply discarded. Animal control agencies across Azeroth have reported a rise in such abandoned pets. The few that are captured and removed await an uncertain fate at the local pound. The majority wander the alleys and sewers, growing sick and spreading diseases, until—in another twist of fate—they are picked up for resale by another black market operator.

"Last night, I found a perfectly good clockwork robot," says a vendor, who declined to give his name. "Patched it up and sold it this morning."

When asked to describe the most exotic pet he ever sold, the vendor replied, "I once convinced a resto druid to buy a Teldrassil Sproutling for his Teldrassil Sproutling. That's a tree with pet tree with a pet tree."

Secret Corporate Man

Mon, 05 Apr 2010 20:45:21 EST

Running a haunted mansion was never a career goal for the young Prince Malchezaar.

"I'd just gotten my eredar certification and was thinking about spending a year abroad," says Malchezaar. "I felt like the whole world, all realities, all dimensions were open to me."

But Malchezaar put those travel plans on hold when his senior-year internship for an architectural renovation firm snowballed into a full-time position with a client, a struggling hospitality business located in the dismal mountains of Deadwind Pass. Two years later, the board of trustees at the Ivory Tower of Karazhan, LLC, would name Malchezaar the end-boss of the soon famous raid instance.

"Well, I had a pretty good background and credentials. But I'd be the first to tell you that I didn't work my way to the top. I mean, come on, the vote was between me and an undead dragon who lived on the roof. And we were in the hospitality business."

Such surprising moments of self-examination by high-profile raid executives form the sweet jelly center of the delicious new reality series "Undercover Raid Boss," which debuted last month after the opening of the final hall of Icecrown Citadel. More than 38 million viewers tuned in for the premier episode, making it the most watched post-patch program since 2007's short-lived "Secret GM Battleground." That series--about a premade WSG of GMs in disguise--tested the viability of a stunt-cast, politically charged reality series. But missing clear heroes and villains, viewers didn't know what to make of SGMB's 20-cap wins and treadmill tunnel floors.

"It was great as a Goblin-style hidden-camera show, like "Panic Face Screenshot." But it didn't have the emotional center that mainstream Azerothian viewers want," recalls a studio representative.

By contrast, Undercover Raid Boss is all about clear emotional centers. Outside the vaulted chambers from which they grandly emote, and dropped among the silently roaming patrols, raid executives seem like overgrown bumbling children among the true guardians of these instances. As the premise suggests, bosses are shown failing at the most basic raid tasks, such as standing in tight, AOE-able packs and dropping low-level gear. For example, Malchezaar's first job in his own company is as a server in Moroes's Banquet Hall, where his constant mistakes are quietly covered up by the other skeletal waiters. He performs no better at his second job, in the stables, where he accidentally drops [Light's Justice] for a random raiding guild, confusing players and fellow mobs.

"I had no idea you were supposed to serve the managers in a certain order. I was going pally, priest, warrior, warrior, when you're supposed to go shadow priest, priest, pally, pally. I tell ya, I didn't know these first-contact positions were so demanding. And they're so crucial to a positive experience for the customer."

Earnest praise of hard-working mobs is the safety valve that keeps the real economic disparity between boss and worker from subverting the show's emotional payoffs. Still, sensitive viewers will have trouble reconciling moments like the Light's Justice incident with the immediately preceding scene, where a spectral performer agonizes about paying out-of-pocket for a medical procedure not covered by the company's health plan. And what are viewers to make of the episode's ending, which at once restores the boss to his throne and rewards "trash" for their service, however magnanimously?

That Undercover can neither vanquish such tensions off-camera nor bring them center stage is the necessary compromise of a reality show backed by a corporate raid sponsor. And when cheering for the blue collar working mom fighting (literally) to put food on the table, as well as the ivory tower exec with the heart (and bags) of gold, we're fine with compromising, too.

Undercover Raid Boss can be seen on the WAFK network every Tuesday at 5:00 ST. This week's episode features Kel'thuzad, Master of Naxxramas International, dying on frogger slime and slipping off a pipe. In one notable scene, the undercover Kel'thuzad forms a support group to address low morale among trash mobs after a raiding guild attains the Undying achievement.

Fail in the Blank

Mon, 29 Mar 2010 17:39:58 EST

Users of the popular search engine, Gnoogle, may have noticed a new feature this week. Using a technology it calls Gnoogle Gnows, the search engine can now anticipate your common-language queries and complete the search for you. Gnoogle Gnows is based on the famed Gnoogle algorithm, developed by exiled Gnomish leader Gelbin Mekkatorque during his doctorate studies at Redridge County College. Here are some examples of Gnoogle Gnows working exactly as intended.

Northrend Police Blotter

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 19:45:16 EST

Arson. Tournament goers in northern Icecrown reported that a gnomish warlock was assaulted by a demon lord he himself had summoned. The demon lord, in turn, summoned other demons, who ran around the tournament grounds, causing minor fire damage to the stables. According to tournament organizers, the warlock acted upon his own volition, and had not been asked to perform a ritual of summoning. The investigation is ongoing.

Vehicular Assault. Officers responded to a report that a large flying ship operated by a Mr. Bronzebeard fired cannons and rocket artillery at a second flying ship, operated by a Mr. Saurfang. At some point in the conflict, passengers from each side boarded the other vehicle, either by launching themselves with rocket harnesses or by portal. Mr. Bronzebeard alleges that Mr. Saurfang blindsided his vehicle and fired first; Mr. Saurfang alleges the opposite. Witnesses report that the two vehicles had been circling each other for months before the conflict, which suggests a long-standing feud. The investigation has been taken over by the gang violence task force.

Vandalism. The night guardsman at the horde fortress of Wintergrasp reported several alliance hooligans had gathered at the base of the towers and were causing a disturbance. Two of the gathered had managed to assemble a makeshift assault vehicle, which they drove around the fortress grounds aimlessly. A verbal disagreement within the group about who should be leading the "battle" lead to fighting among the members. At this point, the night guardsman and the janitor on duty yelled loudly at the group to disperse, which they did in a frightened manner. Alcohol was a factor.

Disturbance. Officers were called to settle a dispute among members of a random instance group to heroic Violet Hold. Upon defeating the final boss, two of the members rolled "greed" on a Frozen Orb while two others rolled "need." The fifth member had already departed the instance. The first two members felt that, as an unessential item, Frozen Orbs should be greed rolled only. The second two members indicated that because Frozen Orbs were expected to rise in value, they should be need rolled. Seeing that neither group deserved the item, officers settled the dispute by granting the Frozen Orb to the fifth member, who had passed.

Assault. A Mr. Chronormu, known locally as Chromie, was injured during a dispute between a level 77 Night Elf Mage and his past self. The mage had agreed to assist Chromie in repairing a rift in time created by a magical hourglass, which had also summoned his double. According to Chromie, the past double insulted the gear and spec choices made by the mage. In response, the mage threw the hourglass at his past, and, missing his intended target, struck Chromie instead. "Past You Whispers: Looks like I need to work on my hit rating," read the chat logs.

Careless Deathwhisper

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 19:02:18 EST

ICECROWN CITADEL — A photo obtained by TOT during a recent ICC encounter with Lady Deathwhisper shows what appears to be hand-written fight notes on the bony palm of her left hand. The photo was taken by a raid member at the beginning of the room-clearing phase of the encounter when, stumbling briefly at the wording of her five-minute emote, the raid boss is reported to have raised her left hand in front of her face, as if to stifle a sneeze.

"She was saying the stuff about how there's a fog that hangs over this world like a shroud," said Raggedsoul (80, DK) of [Redridge County College]. "Then just before the stuff about our soft meat and the dark blood coursing within, she stops suddenly. Then she picks her left hand up real slow and turns her head to the side. That's when I saw the writing on her hand. And I happened to have my phone out cuz I was looking up the drop rate on the Zealot's Helm. So I took the pic."

Examination of the photo reveals the hand-written words "mana shield" and "dominate mind;" also "dark empowerment" written below "dark transformation," which is crossed out. The last phrase reads "lift adherents' spirits."

Asked for a comment, TOT received the following statement from the Office of the Supreme Overseer of the Cult of the Damned.

Serving the master's will wholly, unquestioningly, and with utter devotion of mind and soul since the first days of ICC, Lady Deathwhisper has always spoken from her desiccated heart. And as we all know, speaking from the heart means using both your hands—to do the master's work of defending the citadel from elitist, air-ship riding flesh beings. We hope that settles the matter.

On the contrary, such cryptic statements from the Office have only fueled speculation among ICC observers that Deathwhisper is gearing up for a run at the frozen throne, come next expansion.

"She's got real support from the aboms and the rest of the undead vote," said one anonymous insider. "To you and me, the stuff she says is barely coherent. But to a brainless animated corpse, she polls like Jaina Proudmoore."

ICC Bonus Buff, and More!

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 17:39:46 EST

** NEW ** Get 5% More in Your Next ICC Raid ** NEW **
Redeem this manufacturer's rebate at the instance portal and receive an additional 5% to health, healing, and damage for you and your buddies, courtesy of King Wrynn of Stormwind. Valid only within ICC; raid bosses do not qualify; expires in a few weeks.

Average 50% More Lotus with Every Pick + FREE HERB BAG
The law of averages not working for you, either? Use this coupon to increase your chances of finding awesome FROST LOTUS buried under common herbs. Also, bring proof of your picking and this coupon to your local herbalism trainer and receive a FREE HERB BAG made of sustainably harvested seaweed. Valid only in Northrend; frost lotus discovery increase only applies to lotus-producing herbs; herb bag available while supplies last.

Cut Your Wintergrasp Frame Rates by HALF!
Pesky frames only clog up your eyeballs with superfluous visual information. That's brain power that could be spent insulting your teammates! Bring this coupon to your next queue and CUT THE CLUTTER! Valid zone wide; no cash value.

**WOW ** 60 Days Interest Free on a New and Used Mechanostriders
Mention the TOT circular and get 60 day no-interest financing from Kharanos Striders. All new electronics and floor mats. These dependable striders do not—DO NOT accelerate mysterious on their own. Reliable gnomish technology!

Elder Amuse

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 20:36:46 EST

AZEROTH — Every year the druids of Moonglade hold a celebration of their city's triumph over the ancient evil and to honor the sage wisdom of their elders. And every year, those elders end up doddering around Azeroth, confusing quest seekers and burdening social services. This year's Lunar Festival appears to be no exception, as hundreds of dazed seniors have been spotted asleep under trees, wandering the roads, and otherwise drifting from their designated posts.

"Uuh, quest tracker says this elder is supposed to be at 64, 15. And here's the beam of light he should be standing in. But there's no elder here," observed Festival goer Tyrik. "Oh, wait. Here's a note. It says 'Went to bank for the day. Be back for supper. I'll have the meatloaf.' Uuh, does this mean I finished the quest or not?"

Indeed, TOT reporters spotted elder Farwhisper walking slowly on the road away from Stratholme. When asked why he had left his position, Farwhisper grew agitated and accused TOT staff of trying to steal his bag of coins--which he had, in fact, left back at his original post. Having got his blood up, Farwhisper became tired. And becoming tired, the elder sat on a nearby tree stump to rest, falling into a deep sleep for the next two hours.

Similar incidents of stray seniors have been reported from across realms. In one such report, an unidentified elder atop a mobility scooter wandered into the room during a 25-man Rotface encounter. Raid members and raid boss quickly called a cease fire, so that the elder could be escorted out of the wing.

"Respect for one's elders is a noble virtue seldom found in our hectic raid-a-day lifestyle," commented Rotface. "May we all be so fortunate that, upon the decline of our own mortal frames, beloved caretakers ease our passing from this world and with gentle words release us to the journey onward. By the way, I just made an angry poo-poo. Well, one of us did. And it gonna blow."

The Lunar Festival ends 3/7.

Merchant Buyback

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 20:35:57 EST

Arcanist Uovril: What brings you here?

Master Seargeant Peterman: Hi, I'm here to return some gear?

AU: Okay, I can help you with that. What would you like to return?

MSP: Yeah, it's this Relentless Gladiator hood. And the robe. Oh, and this belt.

AU: All three items? Was there something wrong with them?

MSP: Yeah. I mean, no. I just changed my mind about them. I don't think they're sized right.

AU: I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Would you like to try on a different size?

MSP: I think I'd rather just have my badges back.

AU: Okay, that's fine. I see that you kept your receipt and left all the tags on the garments--thank you for that.

MSP: Uh huh.

AU: Oh dear. I'm sorry, but it looks like you've added gems to the hood and robe? And added a buckle to the belt?

MSP: Hm? Naw, I'm sure it came like that.

AU: That's not likely, sir.

MSP: Well, why don't we just yank those off, then?

AU: Sir, you can't just yank off these gems. They're bound magically right into the garment. Also, I'm pretty sure there's a stain on this robe.

MSP: That stain was there when I bought it. That's also why I'm returning it.

AU: But this stain smells like a horse. Like you've worn them to a stable. Or a farm.

MSP: Hm? That's probably because it's wool. Anyways, what difference does it make? It says right here on the receipt: You may sell this item to a vendor within 2 hours for a full refund.

AU: Sir, I'm going to have to talk to my manager about this.

MSP: Who's that? Adurin?

AU: No, it's Arcanist Ivrenne this week. Do you know the manager, sir?

MSP: No. I mean, maybe. I think I saw her last week. And she let me return stuff without all these questions.

AU: So, you've returned items to us before?

MSP: I can't remember. But don't ask Ivrenne.

AU: Well, I'm not authorized to okay returns. I need a manager's signature.

MSP: Ugh, this is very annoying. How about you just give me store credit.

AU: We don't really do that.

MSP: How about half credit.

AU: Sir...

MSP: You get commission?

AU: Go on...

MSP: How about half credit and I buy some trinkets.

AU: And some saronite?

MSP: Sold.

AU: Till next we meet!

More Cuts at Ulduar

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 17:47:04 EST

STORM PEAKS -- Speaking for a conspicuously absent Yogg-Saron, Thorim read from a prepared statement outlining cuts to Ulduar's support staff and management, including Stormcaller Brundir of the Assembly of Iron. The statement also announced limited availability of Expedition Base Camp siege vehicles and reduced operation of the XT-002 during off-peak hours. This was a second round of service and personnel cuts to Ulduar, the once-popular raid instance now facing severely reduced attendance. Just last month, the dungeon had announced that it would be closing down the Conservatory of Life in an effort to lower raid-wide operating costs.

"I feel as though I am awakening from a nightmare, but the shadows in this place yet linger," said Thorim, referring to the optimism that surrounded the previous year's marketing strategy. Carrying the tag line "Take a Break ... In the Mountains," the campaign was geared toward progression guilds looking for an off-night destination. While the campaign showed early promise, guilds now used to the two-hour, no-trash format of newer raiding instances were putt off by Ulduar's sprawling layout and crowded corridors. In addition, the raid's high cost of operation and management dysfunction has all but eliminated Ulduar's chances for revival.

"It's just too hard to keep up a giant furnace at the top of a mountain range," said one senior-level official, who did not want to be identified. "Without bones, what will we use for kindling? What will I burn in the maker's fire?"

At the moment, the only source of steady raiders to Ulduar appears to the be Azeroth-wide "Weekly Raid" program--part of last year's bailout package for troubled instances. But without an injection of new content--or a raid-wide relocation, such as the one that saved Naxxramas in November of 2008--Ulduar's financial future looks bleak.

Find Your Special Someone

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 19:22:21 EST

Don't spend another Love Is In the Air alone! Connect with area singles. More people than ever before are using online personals as a way to add romance and excitement to their lives. Click here to add your personal message for that special someone you know—or have been dreaming of.

Personals Pleasure loving Warrior and intellectual; creative hair, tiny slender shape. Engineer with no time for schematic hooey; unexpectedly sexy. Exalted in the bedroom, revered with love, friendly with nature. Observer of rivers, trees, and rare spawns. MSW. Box 2827
Hello My Name Is Morgvagio. I am looking for a suitable mate and understand that the "Net" is a good place to meet people in the "Digital Age." If you too are looking for a suitable mate, perhaps you will consider an In-Real-Life (IRL) encounter with me (i.e., "hook up"). To do so, please contact the newspaper [Editor: Do not do this.] and ask to be put in touch with Morgvagio. Thank you. In order to convey a sense of my personality, I will now close with a quote from the immortal John Donne, who oft spoke on matters of love.
I Target You from across the room. Your target of target shows that I've targeted you. I walk within range and you turn to me. I get ready to pop my cooldowns. Readycheck: Dada duuhh. Incoming, baby. Incoming. Box 9374
Raid Leader V. I Hold Back for You. I know I can do more DPS but I act dumb so you won't stop paying attention to me. Can I hope? Underneath my plate I'm wearing only this little trinket. Box 6002
Single and choosy? Join the club. The club being The Molten Peace Corps where you'll meet young people on the same quest as you! Box 4060
The Dungeon Boss I Resemble Most. The one that drops the hot loot on your chest. And OSNAP I can be reset. [Editor: Must be one of those Steamvault bosses.] Box 1524
To Die For. Female, priest. Soft-spoken, thrice-widow, spontaneous, and easy-going. Refuse to rez so please don't ask. LF wealthy JC. No Shaman. Box 99
Some chances are once in a lifetime. Not this one; Any roll over 30 gets a rare mount. Me. Interested? Yes! Box 1321
Massive-breasted priestess, 30-something, seeks witty achievement-minded intellectual beef-cake herber-chef-poet with heaping stamina. Like me, you are dwarven, hilarious, serious, ironic, protective, passionate, practical, punctual, kind, have most of your own limbs, and are startled to find yourself still cruising the grounds of the Darkmoon Faire on a Friday night. Unlike me, you don't exist. Am I right? Sure I am! If so, will consider any M with his own bank tabs/tabbard. Box 616
This ad may not be the cleverest personal in the world, nor is its author the best smelling/looking. F Dwarf seeks long term mistress. Requirements: Big boobs. River-dancing a plus. Box 45
This column has been poorer without me, so here I am again -- hairy-backed dwarf heavily influenced by sitcoms (M, 30, with in-house pet-stables, gun made of vendor trash, and a sensitive grunt during only the most intimate moments), still searching for that special lady with no sense of smell and a capacity for overwhelming compromise in lifestyle choices esp. regarding blighthounds in bed. Box 01

Parting is such sweet sorrow. Divorced, F 20s, actress in K-zan Opera, LF rehearsal companion, more. Come, gentle knight; and give me back my sex-life! Box 3121

8 old-world minions seeking 8 brides who know when to turn the lights down and the heat up -- well higher than it already is. Many dogs; pet lovers a must. Contact M.Domo. Box 331
Dis-Connection? To the healer in my Vault pug last nite, low-cut robe and even lower ping. Don't tell me you renew all the boys like that. I felt it too. Box 7664
I celebrated my thirtieth birthday last week by organizing my bank slots. Next year I'm hoping for sexual intercourse. And a cake. Join my invite mailing list at Ratchet: Box 227. Elf.
Missed connection. U lead me to the bassment of Stormwind church. I aws the preist and U where the druid. If U R reading this, please contact me. Stay in bare form rawr! Box 1011.
Sherrie Who Works in the Cheese Shop. I saw you at the Dalaran flight point 3 times now. I just can not stop thinking about you. You are absolutly stunning and I adore you even though I dont know you. I have your cheese knife. Box 6627
Human Warrior looking for fun-loving, spontaeneous female Tauren. Sexually active, psychologically stable, politically informed, not religious or "spiritual." No Shaman. Gnomes using Orb of Deception will be beaten. Box 223.
You can have the key to my heart! I'll swap it for access to your talent spec. Min/Max nazi (M Warlock, 22) plans on whipping you (dumpy, weak, bland, T4-wearing F to 30) into raiding shape with 15-week program of sit-ups, rotations and emotionally-draining discussions about how sexy you really think I am. /molest. Box 34
Me, Horde, and Dating. Well I was hopefull that I would find love here but I feel like an outsider. I was sitting and talking to a friend and realized I have been in this personal column longer then I've known my uncle and I no longer have a place? I have pushed myself to try and meet your "grooming" standards and feel I have done a fine job of it now that I can date 1.6-2 people in 5 months. I capped my teeth and just have a few more molars to finish up on. So I guess I should thank you for the compliment I got today from the NPC I met today. Box 2664
Bald, short, fat-headed and ugly male, 60, seeks short-sighted, female who can't say 'no' (or 'Grimoire'). Loves disco. Indubitably! Box 78
Hello It's Morgvagio Again. It seems the Internet and I are still getting to know each other. Alas, John Donne, thou art indignified. Anyway, I am told by the helpful folks at the school newspaper that I committed a few errors in my initial post. First, I am not to ask potential mates to contact the newspaper staff directly. Instead, I am to post my personal account information, which they provided me electronically. So without delay, my personal account information is as follows: login--morgvagio, password--hellokitty, security question--what is your mother's maiden name? security answer--kikibert, box number--1121. [Editor: This account has been suspended.]
Me Negative, You Positive. Let's get together and let our polarities do the talking. Box 4576
I R Morgvagio. I R NOOB. thou wilst have sex with me? contact me by pigeon mail. LOL!!!111 my box is internets.
OP BE DK LF EZ SECKS. Full arena gear. Can solo Naxx wut? Already in relationship but has time for something on the side, so just leave the sticky stuff at home. Box 2083

When the Old World Went to War

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 20:12:14 EST

Before floating cities, mounted combat, and a mad prince who killed his own people, citizens of Azeroth went to war with simpler weapons, against foes with less psycho-dramatic back-stories. Recall the Dark Iron Dwarves, who in their war against the Bronzebeard and Wildhammer clans, unleashed Ragnaros from the plane of fire. Remember the Atal'ai's worship of Hakkar the Soulflayer and the animal gods. On display now at the Hall of Explorers in Ironforge, the following Old World wartime propaganda posters were circulated at the time by Horde and Alliance recruiting bureaus to stir up pro-war feelings and help mobilize the citizens of Azeroth to support their troops.

Loose Lips Might Sink Airships – The popular phrase was coined as a slogan in an attempt by Alliance forces to remind players with Horde alts to not give away useful information in enemy chat channels.

We Can Zerg It! – The most iconic of the exhibit, the female orc pictured in this poster is commonly mistaken to be Groma the Riveter. In fact, the subject is modeled after the artist's sister, who was paid 25s at the time to stand for the painting.

Go Ahead - Roll Need – This poster from the Zul'Gurub conflict depicts High Priest Thekal in troll form encouraging greedy raiders to roll need on all loot. Thekal's comically large teeth and ears were attempts by the artists to disarm deep cultural fears of the Gurubashi.

Keep Calm and Parry On – Although the origins of the poster are not clear, historians agree that the message was intended to spark a resistance movement in the worst-case scenario of an Alliance invasion of Orgrimmar.

Someone Moved! – An example of Karazhan-era propaganda, this one warns against the disastrous consequences of moving during Shade of Aran's Flame Wreath ability.

Pulling Aggro: Their Secret Weapon – Caricatures of Illidan Stormrage and Lord Victor Nefarius look approvingly above a field of battle covered with the remains of a wiped raid. Although Illidan and Nefarian were not contemporaries, they were frequently figured in such warnings against hubris and carelessness.

Thanks For Fighting On Roads – A rare example of Battlegrounds propaganda, the poster features a tauren warlord applauding Alliance noobs for fighting away from flags. As with most attempts at BG strategy, such posters were widely ignored by fighters.

Arthas Fight Looms Large

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 18:24:39 EST

ICE CROWN - Early scouting of Arthas's abilities obtained by TOT indicates a multi-phase fight, one more jaw-dropping than the next and culminating in a hellish final phase likely to drive survivors mad.

Phase one begins with Arthas summoning the minions of the frozen throne. Frost wyrms and skeletons rise from the ground to surprise raiders and thin their numbers. Ranged attacks will be key to defeating this phase. Melee classes should stand at the ready and encourage their raidmates.

The next phase involves Arthas casting frost bolts from the throne, still inaccessible to the raid. Not only will the frost bolts deal direct damage, the spell will turn targeted members into a cloud of freezing smoke. The smoke may appear harmless--even beneficial, as a kind of screen from which ranged classes can safely return fire. But the smoke is deadly, and adventurers should stay out of the smoke at all times. Melee classes should be sure to prepare their gear, and to assist healers by dragging casualties to the back of the room.

Only the strongest raid groups will live to see phase three. Arthas will step down from the throne and engage the raid at ground level. The heartiest of your group should keep the corrupted prince engaged at the center of the room. Ranged attacks can be dealt from afar; but by no means should melee DPS approach the fiend from the front or the rear! Instead, those without ranged abilities should make disruptive noises from a safe distance or use hand mirrors to shine light through the narrow slits of Arthas's helm and somewhat into his eyes.

The fall of Arthas marks the beginning of phase four—the stage of the encounter so chilling that our scout trembled at the describing. Upon the Lich King's lifeless body, all manner of treasure and weapons will be found. At this point, the raid must devise a complex economy of points that accounts for each member's total effort during the fight, attendance during previous week's battles, degree of need for the items to be distributed, and shameless begging for the loot.

We expect phase four will take many days and at the cost of our very sanity. Indeed, we fear that victory over Arthas may lead to the same madness that claimed the Prince himself, making us pawns of the Lich King's evil genius.

Greek Society Decries Chapter's Practices

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 16:16:40 EST

REDRIDGE – The Redridge County College chapter of the Fraternal Brotherhood of Delta Kappa Pwn received another official censure yesterday from the RCC Greek Society for violating campus recruitment guidelines. The censure is DKP's second this year, following its censure for failure to maintain a fraternity-wide 2.5 GPA. A third censure would mean an immediate annulment of the fraternity's charter, and possibly raid probations for its membership.

This recent censure came as a result of investigations conducted by the office of the dean into reports of the hazing of two recruits, who had confessed that DKP officers had on at least one occasion forced them to panty raid the Maiden of Virtue. Karazhan security cameras had captured the two students breaking into the Maiden's chamber, digging through the laundry, and struggling to carry off the immense undergarment.

"Impure thoughts lead to profane actions," proclaimed the Maiden upon hearing of the Greek Society's decision. "[DKP's] behavior will not be tolerated."

News of the failed panty raid had led many to speculate about the cause of other misdemeanors reported around campus in recent months, most notably the vandalizing of former Paladin CL Pizzadahut's prized pepperoni collection and the theft of the Dean Caldwel's helmet polish.

"The Greek Society represents the great tradition of academics, binge drinking, and irresponsible hooking-up that makes RCC the choice for low-cost community college education in the lower Kingdom for those who can't get into other schools," stated Society president Peterman. "Sadly, DKP's actions have tainted that tradition."

When asked for a comment, DKP president Valdor had only the following response: (-_\\\.

This marks the second time this year the college has censured a fraternity, the first being Alpha Flex Kappa (AFK) for an incident at Tarren Mill. After missing three consecutive schedule hearings, AFK's charter was revoked in absentia.

Overheard in MC

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 14:47:50 EST

Sulfuron Harbinger: Close that portal, you're letting in a draft.

Professor Putricide: You're killing me. Is the AC down?

SH: This ain't no fancy citadel, son. Sit on that there cool rock.

PP: I'm not sitting on that there rock. It's on fire.

SH: You can stand, then. Not like you kids have to pat the room or nothin.

PP: Now don't you get started with the ...

SH: FIVE YEARS AGO! I stood in that exact spot, with just these my bare hands and took on 40--FOUR OH--raiders! That's forty loot-crazed maniacs armed to the teeth and ice packs strapped to their knickers, coming over that there hill ...

PP: Didn't you have, like, a team of healers ...

SH: FORTY lunatics with swords and shields and shadow resistance. I wager you never seen half that in your ice-cold citadel. You think 25 is a lot? It's not a lot, son. Twenty five is pocket change. It's a nap at dinner. It's a law-abiding drive down a residential street. Twenty five is an AP English class. Forty is coed gym on dodgeball day. It's a fight to the death!

PP: You should have, like, put some leaky pipes in the hallway. And like, if you walk through them at the wrong time, you're one-shotted.

SH: What in blazes you talkin about, youngin! You didn't just stroll through Molten Core! You had to finish your attunement quest! You had to get Hydraxian Waterlord rep! You had to leap through a window to get to the portal!

PP: What's an attunement quest? You mean Attumen the Huntsman? He handed out quests?

SH: Wh ... What's an attunement? This is why you can't be trusted with epic loot.

PP: I drop Tier 10 tokens. Epic enough?

SH: [coughing] Tier 10? Tokens?! I had to carry a bag full of shoulder pads!

PP: ... and iLevel 277 weapons ...

SH: 277! I had to lug around Vendorstrike! Even I felt bad dropping that thing.

PP: Is it true that a pally can solo you?

SH: That was lag! I'll have you know I had 440,000 HP back when hit points meant something. Now I'm sure yours are a little inflated, but ...

PP: 42,000,000. That's FOURTY TWO OH OH OH ... MILLION. Professor Putricide flexes his muscles. Ooh, so strong!

SH: [hacking coughs]

PP: Face it, you're old and busted. I'm the new hotness. OH, and I get speaking lines. "Too oozes, one room! So many delightful possibilities ... "

SH: In our day, emotes were reserved for only the head boss. Ragnaros would be spinning in his fiery grave if he heard how they're doling out emotes.

PP: Gawd, you should hear Deathwhisper. She gets, like, her own cable channel.

SH: Your generation is disgusting.

PP: You're gonna hate Festergut. That kid's messed up.

SH: Close the portal on your way out.

You Mean You Can't Heal This Yourself?

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 15:43:52 EST

LAKESHIRE, REDRIDGE – The future of pet and minion care under the Redridge County College Health System will will soon be a reality and include private veterinary patient rooms, wireless soulstone channeling, and live feeding tanks.

A dedicated OB/GYN center for succubi, urgent care center with Hazmat capabilities, space to accommodate an estimated 4,500 spawns each year, and even an outdoor garden park are featured in the plans. The new center will replace the existing clinics around Redridge and relieve overburdened system in Stormwind. "I'm looking forward to the new center," said Ayalla, level 60 hunter. "The last time Simon caught bird flu, I had to fly all the way to Booty Bay for his herbal treatments." Her sentiments were typical of Redridge citizens.

Regents approved the revised project scope—from 1 million square feet to 1.1 million square feet—as well as a budget of 523 million gold to support incremental space for stacks of roasted quail. The project will be funded through WowGold777.com and is scheduled to open in spring 2011.

What You Get For 100k Gold

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 12:37:39 EST

As the war against Icecrown Citadel continues to depress existing home sale prices, sellers are emphasizing must-have amenities and energy-saving features to lure opportunistic buyers. TOT tip? Low-balling tactics are a thing of the past. When you see a fair market price, make a serious offer.

Elwynn Forest: 112,000 – Converted Tudor Cottage with waterfront views. Ceder shakes and half-timbering are original to the home. For truly seasonal living, homeowners have removed the front door. Compost barrels included. Seller assures that nearby volcano is utterly dormant. Priced for quick sale.

Deadwind Pass: 108,500 – Well-kept stone structure in quiet community with lots of romance and history, world-class art collection, and opera house. Servants grandfathered into lease. Large dining hall for entertaining. HOA fees include use of stable. Neighbors are quiet as ghosts. Farmer's market every Sunday.

Eversong Woods: 103,000 – Charming contemporary with circular footprint and dome roof with Blood Elven details offer the right mix of modernist geometrics and historical antecedents. Hybrid solar and gas heating; reclaimed materials. Built to RAID: Silver specifications (certification pending).

Badlands: 100,750 – Earthen roof (read: underground) palace with near-zero net energy consumption. Deep in the old Makers Terrace area of the Badlands, the single-level structure blends right into the surrounding landscape. An oversized portal serves as the main entry; family members will prefer the rear cave entrance.

Dalaran: 114,000 – A perfect start for urban pros, this upscale efficiency features a barrel-vaulted ceiling, Arathorian columns, and other classical details. Access to fitness spa and concierge service. Fully wired building and web-based security system. Walking distance to Dalaran flight path and Battlemasters.

Moonglade: 108,750 – Featured on HGTV's House Hunters: Azeroth, the Glades at Nighthaven is a luxury development for active adults on the waters of Lake Elune'ara. Enjoy year-round golf and world-class fishing in a resort-style community with all the amenities. Choose from four floor plans and unlimited customization options. Portals on every corner assist the elderly.

The LOL Identity

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 17:07:03 EST

SHATTRATH – It's five o'clock on Tuesday, and raid leader Anarassa is standing at the entrance to the World's End Tavern. In her hand, a spreadsheet print-out contains the names, levels, and ID numbers of the 25 students eligible for the night's raid to Hyjal—far fewer than the 42 would-be raiders standing in a queue that stretches down the street to the netherdrake vendor. Some are carrying valid, college-issued raid identification cards. Others, riding the crest of a recent surge in fake ID schemes, are taking a shot at beating the system.

"It's getting to the point where I can remember who has the [fake ID]," says Anarassa. "They just keep trying and trying. Oh, here comes one.”

A gnome caster wearing a mix of Karazhan and season-one gear walks up to the podium, holds up his card, and declares, "I am McBorkin.”

Speaking on behalf of the Office of the Dean, raid leader Benkenobi dismissed allegations that the college has been letting policy slip. “What are you talking about. Of course we check IDs. We check them all the time. Like, we check them in the middle of raids. Hey, where’s your ID? Hold it up. Well, how do I know that’s not fake? I’m just going to assume it’s fake. That’s how concerned I am about fake IDs. I just assume they’re all fake. I think you better leave now. This isn’t the interview you’ve been looking for. Move along.”

Nonetheless, anecdotes from college faculty, not to mention admissions of guilt from students using counterfeit IDs, have contributed to the feeling on campus that the administration has been lax about enforcing identification procedures. In addition to World's End Tavern, student hotspots such as the Opera House in Karazhan and Nalorakk Around the Clock in Zul'Aman have been seeing unusually high attendance for this time of year.

"I just want to be clear, for the record, that the Opera House does not accept fake IDs of any kind," declares stage manager Barnes. "We check IDs at the door, we seat people, and everyone has a good time exploring the tale of forbidden love or plumbing the depths of the human soul. That said: yes, business has been good."

For students, relaxed attitudes about the use of fake or altered identifications are rampant. Newly arrived student Toksick carries five different IDs at all times. "This one's for pugging Gruul on Wednesday nights. This one's for Saturday nights. This one was actually my brother's—I don't remember when I last used it. Then I have two more for Hyjal and TK." All IDs were easily purchased online for under 25g and delivered by mail. When asked about the penalties for using counterfeit IDs, Toksick shrugged off accountability. "I think if the Dean was serious about people not using these, he'd make it harder to get away with it. Besides, I'm helping myself, I'm helping the school, and I'm helping the economy and whatnot. Maybe [the rules] should be changed to reflect that."

Pocket Change

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:28:31 EST

FERALAS – When Tendris Warpwood opened Högger-Dazs two years ago, the business outlook for all of Dire Mall couldn’t have been better. Located in the quickly gentrifying region of northern Feralas—with flight paths from the east and west bringing in a diverse group of horde and alliance—local governments emptied their savings to shore up schools and infrastructure, and charged developers to attract well-heeled alts.

“This was back when everyone played a warlock alt,” remembers Warpwood. “They used to blow through town, do their mount quest. But a lot of them would come back, you know, for the small-instance feel. No latency, no chat spam.”

Today, the outlook is less optimistic and much of the residential development has stalled. Besides anchor stores such as Bloomingdal'rend’s and Mana Republic, empty retail spaces interrupt the cheery pre-holiday facade. Just east of the Mall, the high-rise condominium buildings at the Athenaeum are also darkened with vacancies. Such local signs of the global economic downturn are enough to turn small-town shopkeepers into political pundits.

“The whole mortgage crisis thing—blame enough to go around, I know,” says Warpwood, shaking his head. “But the money markets breaking the buck? Commercial paper drying up? Credit default swaps? Where was the regulation? That’s what happens when the government gets too cozy with the Auction House.”

Warpwood wears his politics on his sleeve—and on his storefront. Earlier this year, he raised eyebrows among business owners by putting an “Arthas 08” sign in the Högger-Dazs window and offering politically suggestive ice cream flavors, such as “Chocolate Change” and “Maple Maverick.” But when those same owners saw Högger-Dazs sales find a seven-percent bump, they grudgingly jumped on the political bandwagon.

“I ain’t proud,” admits Cho’Rush the Observer, manager on duty at the Sha'tari Image. “I gotta admit that these massage chairs are moving faster than before.” His storefront shows several “Re-elect Illidan” stickers. In addition, one percent of all net sales at the Sha'tari Image are being donated to the regional Illidan campaign center.

Such politically themed marketing stunts are easy to laugh off—unless you’re a politician seeking re-election. For the first time in 42 years, both parties consider Feralas’s 13 electoral votes in-play. Furthermore, the incumbent party is in danger of losing both Senatorial seats to challengers.

“NEED MORE TRIBUTE!” urges Senator Gordok (R - FL) with alarming desperation. “THEY OUT-BUY MEDIA THREE TO ONE! YOU WANT TAX AND SPEND LIBERAL?!”

This holiday season, the tale of the register tape may tell more than which way the economy is turning. It may just as much tell which elected officials won’t be returning after Winter Veil.